You Were So Strong

No. No, I wasn’t. I nearly went insane. I lost my purpose and any sense of direction. I raged and cried myself to sleep most nights. I stopped remembering and stopped caring. I doubted and questioned. Everything. I wore a fake smile and showed up to places I didn’t want to be. I pretended until I couldn’t pretend anymore. And when I couldn’t pretend anymore, when I ruptured and wanted to jump off the cliff, there were people who I thought would help pull me back but instead, mocked and laughed before turning their backs. I wasn’t strong; I survived. 

But this isn’t a ‘fuck you’ to those people, but rather an apology to myself. An apology for caring about people who didn’t care back, for saying ‘yes’ when I should have said ‘no’, for investing time and energy where I shouldn’t have, for believing others were better than what they were blatantly showing me, for staying put when I should have walked away, for being silent when I should have spoken up, for losing myself because I was trying to please others.  This is an apology but also a comeback. So pardon me if I’m a little surer of myself, a little more confident, a little more outspoken, and a little more demanding of kindness and compassion.

But this comeback …or maybe it’s a come to…is very, very personal.