That's What He Would Want
Since my Dad died, I've had this strong aversion to the very mention or thought of "Your Dad wouldn't want that." It was a cut, a striking reminder that he wasn't here. And how would you know what he would or wouldn't want? So somewhere, at some point, I had decided that I guess I didn't really want to know what he wanted. That idea was a battle that I didn't think I could fight for the rest of my life, and I needed an excuse to rid myself of as much guilt as possible. He was gone and so it didn't matter anymore what he would want, he wasn't going to get to see it. But d eep down , at some subconscious level, my decisions were surely driven by the notion of "that's what Dad would want." My head was swarming with it, trying to make the right decision and leave things the way he would be content with. Even proud of. There was an inevitable motivation to "do the right thing", whatever that was he would have done. ...
