Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What if I could just erase the bad parts? Cut out certain people and experiences from the film real, have some things just not play in the memories. Only what I chose though - the things that weren't worth the pain or heartache. I always thought everything was meant to be and if you got rid of some parts, you would miss out on lessons or maybe of the good things that came with the not so good things. 

But I just don't know if I buy into that philosophy anymore.  I don't think I subscribe to that whole "remember the good times" or "be thankful for what you did have or got out of it". I'm to the point where I think I would rather chose to just not have some things happened at all; never even had certain people play a role in my life. 

I think my biggest area of growth over the past couple of years, well especially this year, is learning to let people be. I've learned to recognize how things and people really are and not what I think they could be or want them to be or even what they pretend to be. I think the naiveness of believing that everybody is just doing their best or of giving people the benefit of the doubt has finally worn off. I've learned to accept what is and go from there, to take peoples' words and actions as reality and not try to convince myself otherwise. I spent a lot of time and energy not only giving and giving, but also making excuses for people and how they acted or treated me. Most people do what they want to do and don't do what they don't want to do, and that is something I didn't pay enough attention to in the past.  I've realized that not everyone has my best interest at heart or truly cares about my well-being. 

I know I stuck around in a "friend" group that often left me feeling bullied and not valued by any of them, but most importantly, led by two people that I knew were probably not very good people. I repeatedly kept showing up to situations and then walked away from them wondering why I subjected myself to that.  As awful as the fallout was, I think it had to happen - I was too loyal and too weak to stand up for myself, so their ugliness had to be irreversible.  I probably would have just kept on telling myself that they didn't mean it or that they actually cared about me. I now know neither of those things are true. 

I spoke up, called people out, so OF COURSE I had to be gotten rid of.... I spoke up in places that weren't safe. It was something I had ignored, but I had also told myself: the moment I stood up for myself, we weren't going to be friends anymore. So if it hadn't happened then, it would have just happened later. I often ask myself, "What if I had just kept quiet? Stayed to myself and left it alone? Would I have been okay with that?"

And the answer is no. 

I would have had that same horrible feeling I've had any time I know I should have spoken up but didn't say a word. 

I think one of the hardest parts of the equation has been that I saw the way people were and not only kept them in my life, but also defended them.  I went through this whole period of betraying myself for others; letting myself be abused just so I could hang out with the mean girls or keep peace in the family. I was the epitome of chasing people who weren't chasing me, fighting for people who didn't fight for me. Girls who made me feel absolutely awful at times and family who did the same....why did I continue to allow them access to me? 

This last phase has been a lot of forgiving myself for not have more self-respect, for investing in the wrong places. For quite awhile I wanted to fix things, fight to make them right, and I just don't think that's my job any more. When my Dad died I wanted everything to be in its place, you know? I wanted him to be at peace and proud so I felt like nothing could be broken. As everything just started unravelling I had this ridiculously intense need to be seen, heard, and make everything okay. I beat myself up over it, and let other people beat me up, too. 

I'm also just 0% interested in trying to convince someone to care about me anymore. I've rebuilt after I didn't even want to live.